Land Sea Cow

yeek

Just because you can get it on your body doesn't mean it fits nor does it mean it's big enough to cover you.

After a long hiatus in Italy for the summer, we’re back!

This reminds me of the many different types of delicious ham I encountered on my travels. Nice thick ham hocks.

I understand it gets quite hot in NYC, and I generally approve of skimpy tops. I really do. However, sometimes you need to wear something that fits. It’s hard to see in this picture, but there is plenty of “bacon” exposed. Bacon is meant to be eaten, not shown to the world. Now that I think of it, maybe she’s showing the world her love of bacon!

I would like to think that she’s a scared tourist who’s hiding a fanny pack under her pants, but I doubt this is the case. Maybe a momma kangaroo with that pooch? I want to know who made the zipper on these pants, because it is the world’s strongest one. There’s a lot of person crammed in those pants. It’s ok to go a size up if it fits. Nobody cares about numbers if you look good. It’s when you decide you’re still an 8 when clearly you’re not people notice. Because you make me miss the delicious pork I enjoyed, that is why you’re ugly.

Brutally Murdered Fur

Whaaaaaat?

The blood came out beautifully, however the coat is still scarred from the bear attack she suffered.

This is a perfect example of mediocre couture vomit. The bad fur coat, the puffy sleeved shirt, Uggs and a shopping bag for a store that’s clearly outside of her age demographic.

As talked about in an earlier post, “Fur coats, when done right it’s a work of art. Warm, stylish, functional, yadda, yadda, yadda… However, it’s a tricky piece to pull off. Usually people wear it and it looks tacky and gauche. If you have the old world style (and money for a quality coat) you can look quite elegant and sophisticated.” This is everything gone wrong. I’m not sure if those are knife marks or a bunch of furry vaginas all over. And for the cropped sleeves, if you can’t afford to buy a complete coat, wait a little bit and save up so you can buy the whole thing.

After spending 45 minutes of trying to figure out what to write about this coat, I’m going to recant my previous thoughts. I don’t think she’s wearing this as a fashion statement. It’s a badge of honor. It used to belong to a little girl who was out in the playground one day, and this woman came along and kicked that little girl’s butt and stole her coat. That explains the awkward length and proportions as well as the torn up knifed look (and hopefully explains the A&F bag too).

You have a painfully hideous fur coat, AND paired it with a pair of Uggs, a.k.a Winter Crocs, that is why you’re ugly.

Uggs, they are pronounced “ugh” for a reason.

Ugh, it's an Ugg

Also know as Winter Crocs.

You all had to of seen this post coming. Nothing irritates me more than this. Uggs proudly worn out and about. Over tights or jeans. To me, this look says one thing, awkward teenager looking to figure out how to dress.

I don’t want to hear the pathetic excuse that they are warm. I’m sure they are. A lot of things are warm and you never would go out in it. Snuggies are warm, and unless you’re a D&D freak, or it’s a dare, it’s unacceptable. ou know what else is really warm? Dousing yourself in gasoline and lighting yourself on fire. Very few people have tried that fashion statement. Next time you think its a good idea or you see somebody who thinks it’s cool, then by all means, use that analogy. Don’t hold your breath for any sort of actual comprehension of that though.

Seriously… who thought this was a good look? Who convinced others that it worked? I wanna know, not to wish any harm on that person, but to hire them as my PR person because they are a pure genius to convince so many that something this bad is a good thing. They probably did a number of years as a tobacco exec…

Because you not only you decided to wear Uggs and tights, you also combined black tights with brown ones, thereby not just doubling the atrocity but multiplying it to newfound cringeworthy heights. And that is why you’re ugly.

Fur is Murder

Clash of the classes

Clash of morals? Upper east side money meets hippie.

We here at This is Why You’re Ugly really don’t think fur is murder. When done right it’s a work of art. Warm, stylish, functional, yadda, yadda, yadda… However, it’s a tricky piece to pull off. Usually people wear it and it looks tacky and gauche. If you have the old world style (and money for a quality coat) you can look quite elegant and sophisticated.

This coat is actually on the nicer side of the fur world. Sure it might seem long, but then, this lady is more of the wee stature. The part that makes me cringe is not the coat, nor the hat. It’s the paring of the coat to the sandals. Yes, she is wearing a floor length fur coat with sandals! I can only imagine the thought process. “Gee, it sure looks chilly outside, but only from ankle height up. Ankle height down, it’s a balmy 90°. Better dress for the weather.” Or maybe she’s going to the beach then for a nice night on the town? I know… underneath that old world rich woman style is a true hippie. But then what the hell is she doing wearing fur? I thought even fake fur was enough to get you a lifetime ban from the drum circle. I guess it might be ok if she was lost in the woods, killed an animal, ate its meat and used every last part of it. No, that’s not hippie, that’s american indian. So what on earth could it be?

But then again, there are some questions not worth answering.

Because you are a contrast if ideals and have no idea how to work them together in a harmonious, zen hippie sort of way, that is why you’re ugly.

Long break

This is Why You’re Ugly took a quick break. We feel bad about that. Rest assured that there will be new posts soon, as we still love the uglies. Feel free to drop us a line if you know where there’s a high concentration of fashion-challenged folks, and we’ll get on their case.

I’m Rick James’ Shoes, Bitch!

It's a high top! No, it's a slipper! Wait, you're both right!

It's a high top! No, it's a slipper! Wait, you're both right!

Fashion forward is usually the motto around here. But fashion backward to the days of cowboys and suede fringe… not something we ever mutter. And for good reason. Just looking at these, I’m left to wonder why and how. Were these merely just slip on shoes with the added bonus of matching fringe anklets?  Or is that fringe actually a structural necessity for said shoe?

The first, and apparently only thing, that comes to mind when i see these is Rick James, and it’s mere coincidence for the track Super Freak.

Ok, so I lied, the other thing that pops into my head is she must feel like there’re  cockroaches constantly  scurrying across her  feet with each and every step. I guess to each their own. My favorite part of this getup has to be that this person loved these shoes sooooooo much, she didn’t care that they were too small. Her lil’ pinky toe is making a break for it! Maybe that’s the only part of her body with any sort of fashion sense and is like, “I’m so gettin’ the hell outa here!”

Because your shoes remind me of a superstar of yesteryear, and not in any sort of good way what-so-ever, that is why you’re ugly.

David Bowie Can Pull It Off, You Can Not

Boy? Girl? Neither I bet!

Boy? Girl? Neither I bet!

Androgyny, some people can work it. Others should not. Honestly, I have no idea if this tub of butter is a male or a female. I suppose I could guess and have a 50% chance of being right. But what if it’s one of them boths? Or what if it’s a neither? I guess that’s why they put the 0 and 00 green numbers on the roulette table. Kinda puts a bit more risk in the game.

I could knock this person for being fat. I mean after all, it’s belly does stick out farther than it’s boobs. Bad if it is a girl, good if it’s a guy. And that’s no spare tire, that’s a full on replacement tire. I’d bet dollars to donuts that’s not a diet drink, and I also bet this person would be more than happy to lose that bet wit the prospect of free donuts.

Back to the androgynous part. At least get a haircut that reflects your gender more. If you’re actually a girl, try some make up (although there might be a misconception that pancake makeup is syrup here). If you’re really a guy, at least were a shirt that says, if you can read this then I’m not at the diner stuffing my face full of buttered bacon and ranch filled cheezy french fries. Something to give society a mere hint as to how to address you other than, “Slow down tubby, you’re not on the moon yet!”

Also because those poor shorts look like they are ready to split right where your crotch should be, that is why you’re ugly. Although I have to admit, tipple stitching seams seems to work, thankfully. That’s a tidal wave of pure horror begin held back.